TwIzTiDmOnKeY's Xanga

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Sat, 11 Dec 2004 05:48:28 GMT

[m.erry early christma.s]

Yeah.. it's definately been awhile. Oops. I write more in my livejournal. Heh.. so I'm a trader.. I'm sorry. Anywho. Me and Jonathan exchanged christmas presents early (the 8th). EEEEEE! Guess what he got me? If you guessed a white gold ring with diamonds.. YOU'RE RIGHT! Ahahahaha. It's all mine. That's right.. you know you're jealous. Go ahead.. you can stare at it's beauty.. but only for a second cause I can't have you drool all over it.. gross. I almost cried when he gave it to me.. awww. I have to get it sized. Right now it has a ring guard on it so it fits. It's gonna take a whole like 2 weeks to get sized cause they have to send it out. -dies- What am I going to dooooo? Just taking it off to take a shower or wash my hands drives me insane. Muahaha... I just had to flaunt my prettyful ring. It's ok to be jealous.. really it is. Anywho I have to get up early tomorrow to go shopping so have fun!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Tue, 09 Nov 2004 21:51:52 GMT

[v.ale of tear.s]

Crying over something and staring into nothing, seems as though some things never change. I look to the stars in hopes that they'll straighten my head again, yet, the confusion cloaks my mind. Soon, whats left of today will fade away and shed into another day of the same confusion and lies. This stress is tremendous and pressure is endless. Feels like the end is getting closer, not much left for me to do. Time peals back the scab as the wound is reopened. Crimson tears form, falling from their paths of indecision. My heartstrings have come undone. There's nothing left. Falling to pieces and flailing against the wind. The same old feelings are taking over and I can’t seem to make them go away. And I can’t take all the pressure sober, but I can’t seem to make it go away. What is there left when you had nothing to begin with in the first place? Among the stars glittering inside the black velvet sky you shine. Reaching out, you seem so far away. Can't help but feel discouraged and disconnected from the world. Seems so hopeless. I feel you cross my mind in disarray. Seems as though there's nothing in this world that can ease my pain. Stuffed it down, it's back again. The sun drips down as it fades to nothing. Shadows ease their pain by spreading their disease on all the lives it touches. So lost and dead inside. You've gone so far away..

Friday, November 05, 2004

Fri, 05 Nov 2004 17:38:10 GMT

[c.olorful dream.s]

I had some weird ass dreams last night. It seems like all the ones I remember had something to do with the last one. Me and Jon were taking a vacation out to Suttons Bay (though in my dream it was a lot bigger). Anywho we stopped somewhere and got out of the car to walk around and we ran into people we knew and he went somewhere and I don't remember ever seeing him again. Then it broke off into me staying at this house, I'm pretty sure it was my aunt vanessa's..but different. It was HUGE.. and these people were after me and someone died in the room I was staying in so Nell stayed with me there. I can only remember bits and pieces. But yeah. I had my graduation party and everyone was there.. except for jon. I remember saying "damn.. I'm suprised so many people showed up since I'm out in the middle of nowhere." and I was sitting on the ground talking to tina and I looked behind me and whos walkin up? ROBBIE! I turned around again to see if anyone noticed and they were all talking and what not and I turned around again and he was just standing right there. So I jumped up and hugged him. No, more like squeezed him and I was like.. "omg I missed you buddy!" and he was like "I missed my buddy too." "Don't EVER do that to me again!" and we just stood there hugging. I don't remember too much more. Except I went back inside the house and I was scared so I was running everywhere I had to go then I went back outside and I was all alone.

My mind is falling apart. I cried myself to sleep last night. Got a migrane with it too. I just don't know what to do anymore. I couldn't help it.. I just sat here and broke down. I brought it on myself though. I keep trying to play things off like they're ok and slowly I keep going down hill. Oh well, I'll make it through. Well, I have to finish eating then get dressed cause the horsies are getting their hooves trimmed. Toodles.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 06:20:28 GMT

[w.ith you by my sid.e]

Hmm.. yeah I just took a hot bubble bath. oOo so relaxing. I'm still adjusting to this home alone at night thing. Any little noise I hear I'm freaking out. Before I took my bath I went up stairs to my room and as soon as I walked in I got an overwhelming feeling that I was being watched. It made me VERY uneasy. I don't know. The upstairs hallway always scares me. I'm glad my room is right at the end of the stairs. Ehh I'm just paranoid. It skeers me tho. :( I'm tempted to bring a dog inside but they're gonna just piss me off and wake me up early. I don't know. Lately I've been really struggling with my mind. It's like a constant battle that can't be won. Last night I just broke down and cried myself to sleep. I'm not really sure why either. I've been getting so damn frusterated so easily. Dumb things are irritating me and then I get pissed of at myself because I'm getting stupid over little things. Invisiblity has taken over me. A shadowy deliruim cloaks my soul, grasping it tight with its dead boney fingers. Confusion spreads like a disease, masking the truth and all branching paths. Nonexistant. As time grows heavy it seems as though my soul vanishes from the eye. Falling away as another shard crumbles to the ground. Hollow tears blackened from mascara and eyeliner trickle down, evaporating before they trickle down a pain stricken face. For some reason I'm scared of the world turning its back on me, but its back is already half casted towards me. I've fallen in place inside its shadow. What is there left? Paranoia is sinking deep into my cracked heart. I've never felt so alone. Are we alive and dreaming, or dead and remembering?

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 09:56:30 GMT

rreeaaaallllllllllllll american hhheeeeeeerrrroooooossssssss.

lmao. one of those commercials just came on. except it was a new one. real american a-holes. hah. it brought back memories of cramming me, tina, jon, jason m, shawn, natalia and this other guy in the explorer. shawn made us listen to like 30 of those damn things.. after 10 it got a little irritating but we all sang them anyways. yep. okie i'm done for sure this time... i think.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 09:54:58 GMT

[s.leepless nigh.t]

Ehh. I can't sleep. :( I'm not even tired though. I think I got myself so worked up and worried over being home alone all night. Paranoia kinda ran away with me. Plus.. it didn't help that last week I had a dream that this guy broke into my house and raped me. Ehh. So yeah, after I got off the phone with Jon at 3am I just kinda laid there. I got like 30minutes to an hour of sleep. The dogs started barking at 4 and it freaked the hell out of me. I've never been this bad when it comes to being alone. So I've been sitting here.. fixing my computer. Did some major cleaning. Fun. It had to be done though. I tried getting my microsoft word back.. tried two different things (involving repairing and uninstalling and reinstalling) but they both failed me. Whatever. There's this oreo cream pie just screaming my name right now.. but there's only one piece left cause I ate the other one a few hours ago. Eee. Oh the temptation. Whhhyyyyyy can't I sleep? Hah, watch me pass out as soon as my mom gets home. Someone.. entertain me. Mush. Fine. Just be all useless. Okie.. it's time to go cause I'm getting weird. Toodles.

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 17:05:58 GMT

[h.appy hallowee.n]

My dad is so IRRITATING! I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I can't stand it when he's home. So yeah, yesterday he called me looking for this bag and I didn't know where it was so what did he do? HE WENT THROUGH MY FUCKING ROOM! OMG. I could've choked him to death while he was sleeping last night. Now today he's ordering me around and telling me to do shit for him. Ok, I was gaining a smidge of respect but now he's like in the negatives. I'm not doing shit for him. I don't give a damn that he's leaving. Bye! The only bad thing is he's taking the puppy. Mom told me to say good-bye to him cause my retard dad will probably loose him. So, everyone say good-bye to the puppy! Mom said she already said her good-byes and she's so glad she got so attatched to him. And on top of everything Jon still isn't feeling so great but he's not going to listen to me and I'm about to rip out my hair cause everything is frusterating/angering/or worrying me. You know.. it's times like this when I wish I did have my brother. Maybe then everyone wouldn't bitch bitch bitch to me. Cause oh yeah my dad says "everything's your fault cause you're a girl.." ha ha ha. Fuck off. GRRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I can't wait to move out of this shit hole. The hell with these people. Ehh I wish I could drive. Hell if I know where I'd go.. but I'd be gone for awhile. Whatever. This only pissed me off more so I'm off.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 18:39:32 GMT

[w.hen the world turns psychoti.c]

It's so nice outside.. I was (key word there)gonna ride Titan.. but he's such a psychotic mess right now it's not funny. It's my fault though. He always gets high strung when I stop working him all the time. :( So yeah. Good thing I decided to lunge him first. I never do that. I half expected him to do something stupid so atleast I was prepared. The first thing he did wasn't that bad. I told him to canter and he bucked/lunged forward and got all stupid so I made him stop and trot around for like ten minutes. I could tell he was looking for something to get scared at. Usually I have to force him to keep moving cause he's so lazy but this time I didn't have to say anything to him. So yeah, he decided to get scared ata truck that pulled into the neighbor's drive-way even tho like 6 cars had already gone down the road since we were out there. Yet again, he took off but I pulled the line in. He ended up falling down and I thought he'd just get up and look at me like "what the hell is wrong with you?" but nooooo he just turned around and ran the other way. I was like what the fuck?! So his ass went back to his stall. I didn't want to put up with that shit. I tried and he fucked it up 3 times. I'll just bring the other horse in soon and throw his ass outside for a couple hours to run around. My poor baby. He didn't mean to. I still kicked his ass for it though. Anywho. This sucks. I really wanted to ride Titan. But with my luck something bad will happen and I don't trust him right now and if something did happen no one would know. Ah well, I'm off to find something to amuse myself with.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 03:39:51 GMT

::_**_:: Basics ::_**_::

01.) Name:: genna

02.) Middle Name:: rochelle

03.) DOB:: 093086
04.) Age:: eighteen

05.) Location:: chesterfield

06.) Eye Color:: blueish green

07.) Hair Color:: brown

08.) Hair Length:: medium/long

09.) Height:: 5’4"? i don't know

10.) Shoe Size:: 7 1/2-8

11.) Glasses or Contacts:: nope

12.) Braces:: nope

13.) Single or Taken:: oOo wouldn't you like to know? hah i'm taken

14.) Bad Habits:: thinking too much.. uhh.. i don't know being on the spot and all

15.) Fears:: eek! spiders and elevators are hugggge fears. like whoa. then i have stupid little ones that don't amount to anything. being paranoid over trusting people.. blah

16.) Screen Name:: thelostone04-aim.. it's the only one i always sign on to

::_**_:: School ::_**_::

17.) Where Do You Go to School:: baker college
18.) Whats Your School Mascot:: uhh we don't?
19.) Whats Your School Colors:: clear
20.) Whats Your Favorite Subject:: hate it all
21.) Whos Your Favorite Teacher:: they're all psychotic
22.) What Do They Teach:: how to sleep correctly
23.) Who Sits Next to You In Math Class:: paris. she's the only one i know cause she's in all 3 of my classes

::_**_:: Love Life ::_**_::

24.) Do You Have a Boyfriend/ Girlfriend:: yeppity skippity

25.) If So, Whats There Name:: jonathan

26.) If So, How Long Have You Been Together:: oOo 4 months
27.) Do You Have a Crush:: nope. hah..
28.) Do They Know:: what do you think?
29.) Have You Ever Broken Someones Heart:: maybe? not sure
30.) Have You Ever Had Your Heart Broken:: ehh.. unfortunatly but what i have now is wwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better than anything else so HAH!

::_**_:: Favorites ::_**_::

31.) Animal:: horsies
32.) Color::yellow.. rah

33.) Person:: jon
34.) Subject:: sleep
35.) Season:: summer.. oOo it's all sunny and warm.. COME BACK!
36.) Holiday:: halloween.. mm candy thanksgiving.. food.. christmas.. yay presents
37.) Hobby:: doesn't sleep count? nvm horseback riding
38.) Sport:: equestrian (horse back riding for those of you who don't know)
39.) Feeling:: mmm... love and when i know i can trust someone and i could go on for awhile.
40.) Saying:: ...
41.) Word:: toodles
42.) Month:: september mes birfday1
43.) Clothing:: none.. KIDDING! umm ee my pajamas.. oh soo comfy
44.) Jewelry:: rings
45.) Food:: lasgna..mm pizza papalis.. <-- to die for! food is like my fav. thing. burger kings chicken tenders. live off those. ramon noodles.. velveta shells and cheese. just went brain dead.
46.) Snack:: chocolate. mmm

::_**_:: Friends ::_**_::

47.) Best:: jon and carrie.. i only have like two friends anymore that i talk to like everyday. yay for me. i love them tho.
48.) Daringest:: hmm i wonder. JON! lol
49.) Funniest:: i don't know.. thats a tie between jon and carrie. jon always cracks me up but me and carrie together. oh man that's just hilarious.
50.) Tallest:: jon.. he's friggen tall as all hell.
51.) Shortest:: tina?
52.) Loudest:: ME.. no.. i don't know
53.) Shyest:: me?
54.) Smartest:: whoaaaaaa def. me... NOT. we all have our moments
55.) Blondest:: carrie and me
56.) Craziest:: the three of us put together. (car chase..)
57.) Nicest:: carrie
58.) Sweetest:: jon
59.) Weirdest:: jon..hah
60.) Flirtest:: ?

::_**_:: Have You Ever ::_**_::

61.) Had a Wish Come True:: umm.. sure?
62.) Had a Dream Come True:: yeah. but it wasn't exactly good. ah well.
63.) Broken a Body Part:: nope
64.) Fallin’ in Love:: mebe. hee yes
65.) Done Something You Regret:: whoaaaa yah
66.) Tripped and Fell in Public:: lmao.. in the middle of the road.. in front of a car. so embarasing. -hides face-
67.) Sang in Public:: no
68.) Cryed in Public:: ehh.. yes.
69.) Kissed Someone Besides Family:: nope. AHAHA.. yeah i hope so.
70.) Been in a Car Crash:: yep. today. when jon's car was bumped by the dumb bitch pulling into a parking space. the windows were down and she even looked in the car and DIDN'T say sorry. turns out she's in my med. term. class and she had ANOTHER chance to say sorry after the class when we were sittin in the car with the windows down and the retard bitch didn't. don't know if that counts tho.. i could've been hurt..

::_**_:: The Last ::_**_::

71.) Thing You Did Before Getting on the Computer:: kissed jon and said i love you, walked in the house.. talked to my mommy.. ate a custard filled donut and drank mountain dew. mmm.
72.) Person You Yelled at:: uh oh yeah.. dad
73.) Person You Hugged:: jon..
74.) Person You IMed:: myself. kidding, no one. i put up an away message to avoid conversation
75.) Time You Cleaned Your Room:: the other day cause jon made a big deal over me nagging him to finish cleaning his room when he was ALMOST done anyways. so i had like two pairs of pants on the floor and a shirt.. i'm sorrrrrry!
76.) Song You were Listening to:: crossfade-cold
77.) TV Show You Watched:: whos line is it anyway
78.) Movie You Watched:: rented or what? rented: envy theater: resident evil the apacolypse
79.) Time You went to the Movies:: sept. 11..
80.) Time You Cryed:: the other night
81.) You Took a Shower:: last night

::_**_:: This OR That ::_**_::

82.) Coke OR Pepsi:: coke
83.) Tall OR Short:: tall
84.) Flowers OR Candy:: mm both are good
85.) Math OR English:: english
86.) Blink 182 OR Sugarcult:: both
87.) Mickey OR Minnie:: neither
88.) Middle School OR High School:: eww neither they both suck ass
89.) Boyfriend OR Girlfriend:: girlfriend.. KIDDING.
90.) Single OR Taken:: taken

::_**_:: Word Association ::_**_::

91.) bead:: necklace
92.) bed:: water.. oOo
93.) sexy:: jon
94.) phone:: yay? lol i don't know
95.) tough:: show off
96.) neato:: spiffy
97.) leather:: cow.. moo
98.) weird:: odd
99.) so:: dumb
100.) easy:: retarded
101.) test:: hard
102.) nerd:: dumbass
103.) falling:: endlessly
104.) air:: clouds
105.) hot:: sexy

::_**_:: Random ::_**_::

106.) do u sleep with a stuff animal:: yep. my red dog i named buddy
107.) do u like snowballs:: not when i'm the one being hit
108.) are u in school:: monday and wednesday 9am-2:40pm..
109.) do u like to swim:: i'd rather lay out
110.) are u funny:: i think people only laugh cause of my stupidity. oh well
111.) wut do u think of water:: it's not the horrible disease jon thinks it is
112.) are u a blonde at heart:: heh.. yes
113.) have u ever been to maryland:: nope
114.) have u seen "chasing liberty":: nope
115.) are u happy this survey is over:: ehh sure.. but now i have nothing to amuse myself with.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 15:08:41 GMT

[d.rowning beneath the curren.t]

Hollow tears stream through my eyes, seeping through this shadow like veil. Seems like everything in this world is wrong and clearly pointless. My smile is beginning to break. What is there left to say? Nothing, I know, can bring you back. Thoughts plague and confuse my mind, leaving my soul feeling helpless beneath it all. I'm helpless. Nothing I ever do can drag me out of this fucking shit hole. I'm never going to get out. Never. Whenever I manage to lift myself up for a moment I refuse to let myself feel it for its fullest, know it'll soon be gone. I've never felt so alone. Like I'm the sideshow freak that everyone laughs at. Hope you choke on something and die. I could wrap my fingers around your neck and laugh as you scream and try to claw your way out. That's fine.. scream all you want.. the sooner you'll die. I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!! But oh no, you're perfect. You've got everyone wrapped around your finger believing every damn thing that falls from your mouth. I really do hope you feel like shit.. even though deep down I know you're heartless and running out of stories to cover your lies.

Adema-Pain Inside
Realize that I've lost control
Impulses keep flashing through my head
I'm on the outside

Take apart my life inside
Why would I let them make up my mind
And be misled?
Go ahead make up your mind
I have had enough of who they want
Leave me alone.

There's pain inside
I can't understand
There's hate in life
That will not go away
There's pain inside
I cannot live with it
It feels like no one really understands

It's always killing me
The problems I face daily
It's always things that
I have always taken in vain

Oh well, I feel somewhat better. Now I just feel run down and really tired again. Maybe sleep can help me cause I'm sure it's pretty clear I woke up on the wrong side. All this pain is making me irritable. My back hurts like no other and its going down my leg. Whatever it doesn't matter. Have fun.