Yeah.. it's definately been awhile. Oops. I write more in my livejournal. Heh.. so I'm a trader.. I'm sorry. Anywho. Me and Jonathan exchanged christmas presents early (the 8th). EEEEEE! Guess what he got me? If you guessed a white gold ring with diamonds.. YOU'RE RIGHT! Ahahahaha. It's all mine. That's right.. you know you're jealous. Go ahead.. you can stare at it's beauty.. but only for a second cause I can't have you drool all over it.. gross. I almost cried when he gave it to me.. awww. I have to get it sized. Right now it has a ring guard on it so it fits. It's gonna take a whole like 2 weeks to get sized cause they have to send it out. -dies- What am I going to dooooo? Just taking it off to take a shower or wash my hands drives me insane. Muahaha... I just had to flaunt my prettyful ring. It's ok to be jealous.. really it is. Anywho I have to get up early tomorrow to go shopping so have fun!

Crying over something and staring into nothing, seems as though some things never change. I look to the stars in hopes that they'll straighten my head again, yet, the confusion cloaks my mind. Soon, whats left of today will fade away and shed into another day of the same confusion and lies. This stress is tremendous and pressure is endless. Feels like the end is getting closer, not much left for me to do. Time peals back the scab as the wound is reopened. Crimson tears form, falling from their paths of indecision. My heartstrings have come undone. There's nothing left. Falling to pieces and flailing against the wind. The same old feelings are taking over and I can’t seem to make them go away. And I can’t take all the pressure sober, but I can’t seem to make it go away. What is there left when you had nothing to begin with in the first place? Among the stars glittering inside the black velvet sky you shine. Reaching out, you seem so far away. Can't help but feel discouraged and disconnected from the world. Seems so hopeless. I feel you cross my mind in disarray. Seems as though there's nothing in this world that can ease my pain. Stuffed it down, it's back again. The sun drips down as it fades to nothing. Shadows ease their pain by spreading their disease on all the lives it touches. So lost and dead inside. You've gone so far away..

I had some weird ass dreams last night. It seems like all the ones I remember had something to do with the last one. Me and Jon were taking a vacation out to Suttons Bay (though in my dream it was a lot bigger). Anywho we stopped somewhere and got out of the car to walk around and we ran into people we knew and he went somewhere and I don't remember ever seeing him again. Then it broke off into me staying at this house, I'm pretty sure it was my aunt vanessa's..but different. It was HUGE.. and these people were after me and someone died in the room I was staying in so Nell stayed with me there. I can only remember bits and pieces. But yeah. I had my graduation party and everyone was there.. except for jon. I remember saying "damn.. I'm suprised so many people showed up since I'm out in the middle of nowhere." and I was sitting on the ground talking to tina and I looked behind me and whos walkin up? ROBBIE!  I turned around again to see if anyone noticed and they were all talking and what not and I turned around again and he was just standing right there. So I jumped up and hugged him. No, more like squeezed him and I was like.. "omg I missed you buddy!" and he was like "I missed my buddy too." "Don't EVER do that to me again!" and we just stood there hugging. I don't remember too much more. Except I went back inside the house and I was scared so I was running everywhere I had to go then I went back outside and I was all alone.

My mind is falling apart. I cried myself to sleep last night. Got a migrane with it too. I just don't know what to do anymore. I couldn't help it.. I just sat here and broke down. I brought it on myself though. I keep trying to play things off like they're ok and slowly I keep going down hill. Oh well, I'll make it through. Well, I have to finish eating then get dressed cause the horsies are getting their hooves trimmed. Toodles.

Hmm.. yeah I just took a hot bubble bath. oOo so relaxing. I'm still adjusting to this home alone at night thing. Any little noise I hear I'm freaking out. Before I took my bath I went up stairs to my room and as soon as I walked in I got an overwhelming feeling that I was being watched. It made me VERY uneasy. I don't know. The upstairs hallway always scares me. I'm glad my room is right at the end of the stairs. Ehh I'm just paranoid. It skeers me tho. :( I'm tempted to bring a dog inside but they're gonna just piss me off and wake me up early. I don't know. Lately I've been really struggling with my mind. It's like a constant battle that can't be won. Last night I just broke down and cried myself to sleep. I'm not really sure why either. I've been getting so damn frusterated so easily. Dumb things are irritating me and then I get pissed of at myself because I'm getting stupid over little things. Invisiblity has taken over me. A shadowy deliruim cloaks my soul, grasping it tight with its dead boney fingers. Confusion spreads like a disease, masking the truth and all branching paths. Nonexistant. As time grows heavy it seems as though my soul vanishes from the eye. Falling away as another shard crumbles to the ground. Hollow tears blackened from mascara and eyeliner trickle down, evaporating before they trickle down a pain stricken face. For some reason I'm scared of the world turning its back on me, but its back is already half casted towards me. I've fallen in place inside its shadow. What is there left? Paranoia is sinking deep into my cracked heart. I've never felt so alone. Are we alive and dreaming, or dead and remembering?

 lmao. one of those commercials just came on. except it was a new one. real american a-holes. hah. it brought back memories of cramming me, tina, jon, jason m, shawn, natalia and this other guy in the explorer. shawn made us listen to like 30 of those damn things.. after 10 it got a little irritating but we all sang them anyways. yep. okie i'm done for sure this time... i think.